Twenty Years

Can we be that old? I mean, I remember MY parents celebrating 20 yrs of marriage, and they were old then. How’d I stay so young? Ha! Sean and I are preparing for a much needed, long planned and saved for celebration to Cancun for our 20th wedding anniversary. All the arrangements were made months ago for the details of this trip as well as everyone back home. His parents have graciously come to stay and tend to all things and people here so we could leave having a peace. So much has come to my mind today as I reflect on the past 20 years, and I just felt compelled to put my thoughts in writing.

Looking back at 20 years, I can do absolutely nothing but stand in awe of God. You see, it would be nice to say we made it this far because we stuck together- determined enough, stubborn enough, demanding enough, loving enough, or sacrificing enough. I remember at our 10 yr anniversary feeling so “proud” that we’d made it so far, as if it was something WE did. Yuck. So not true. Twenty years has nothing to do with US…. and everything to do with God. Just to be real here; it’s an absolute miracle that we even made it to five years of marriage. Not because we didn’t love each other…’cause we sure did. It’s a miracle because so much was against us from the start–immaturity, statistics, loss of a child, personality struggles, financial difficulties, insecurities, job changes, …the world! Most importantly, Christ was not at the center of MY life for many years. Almost all the things that most people split up over in today’s world, we’ve come through stronger only by God’s power and nothing of ourselves. Once HE became more of the center of our lives and only because of that, He became more of the center of our marriage. I can honestly say I love this man more today than I ever have before. There was a time I never thought I would say that.

We get teased, sometime mocked, a lot for how we speak to and about one another. As if we’re either being sappy, unrealistic, not authentic, or trying to make the other one just look good in public. The truth of the matter is we completely mean what we say and for no other reason than reminding one another and building each other up in Christ. It’s our love language. Our relationship is certainly deeper than terms of endearment, but that doesn’t mean we’ve discounted the importance of words. We also hope to use those words to be a witness not for ourselves, but for what God can do in a marriage. We want people to know that you can be married for 20 yrs and still be absolutely crazy in love. Let me clarify though. We sure don’t have it together by any means! We’re a mess to be completely honest….probably no different than you and your spouse. We still disagree, fuss at one another, find fault, and have many weaknesses. However, in a world where spouses think it’s the norm to bash the other one or speak of their faults to the public, I’d much rather overlook his faults and build my husband up. Sean feels the same way towards me. Despite our humanity, we choose to overlook and show grace to one another for the greater purpose of loving unconditionally. After all, isn’t that where people get to see the image of Jesus?

The older we’ve gotten and the longer we’ve been married, we have seen firsthand the power of words. Words can either build up or tear down. It’s one or the other. There’s no middle ground. It’s interesting that as Sean is a pastor and we are in this crazy world of ministry, the very thing that speaks love to us can be hard to find in seasons. Obviously, not that you want people to puff you up. That’s prideful, and I’m not speaking of that kind of talk. I’m speaking of words that encourage and show love. All you ministry wives are shaking your head cause you “get me” now. Ha! The fact is that churches are filled with people like you and me. Humans. Not perfect. Everyone has an opinion on how a church should operate and what a pastor is “supposed to do”, or not do, and so on. There are seasons where things are up and seasons where things are down. It’s a rollercoaster. God’s had to build some thick skin in us not just individually, but as a couple being in ministry. So, this is another reason why I choose to use my words to build up. I have been even more determined to speak words that edify -to and about -my husband, not because he’s perfect. Because he’s not. (Nor am I.) Not because he’s always right. Because he isn’t. (Me neither! And shew, that’s hard to admit!) Not because we’ve got the perfect marriage. (Because we absolutely don’t.) Simply because I love him and love nothing more than bringing encouragement, love, and support to him no matter what. It’s also been a great lesson to never feed off of praise in the good times. Makes for a harder fall in the bad. We try to listen to what God says to us more than anyone else. His words are always truthful, but filled with love and grace-with our best interest at heart. Isn't that how we should be with our spouses, too? Isn't that how we should be with one another? This attitude of building up vs. tearing down which comes strictly from God’s Word has been a huge key in our marriage and in ministry. When we feel the world is against us, we remind one another, “We’re on the same team.” We’re in this together…united….one. Me and Sean. Us and the church. We have the same purpose- ministering to others, being a witness and accurate representation of Jesus Christ for the glory of God. Doesn’t do any good to fight yourself, does it? I'm not saying overlook the problems, but you work through them with love, kindness, and respect. I don’t find this giving anyone a false impression. Goodness, most people can SEE mine and Sean's faults already. Why? Because we’re authentic. We’ve never believed in being something we aren’t or living a life of pretend. We do no one a service for the cause of Christ by faking it through life. Sean and I just want people to know when we’re struggling, where we’re weak, who we are…we have nothing to hide. Matter of fact, we want God to be seen in and through us. It’s only through the fact that we’re just normal weak people that others can see how great our God is if ANYTHING good comes from us. The bad? Well, we’ll have to take the credit for that. It’s through our weaknesses though that we find God’s strength and I’m all about that. We’ve certainly found that so many times! He is the most faithful unconditional loving friend ever.

This blog is primarily geared towards ministry wives, but I think this encouragement goes for all women who love God. Whether you’ve been married one month, one year, ten years, twenty, or more…. I can simply say this. Wives, honor your husbands. Show him respect. Do him good and not harm. As scripture says, “Be his crown…don’t bring him shame.” (Prov. 12:4) I’m not saying to make him out to be some superhero or something he is not. Speak graciously and kindly towards him and about him. Life is tough enough for husbands regardless of what their profession is. There’s always going to be somebody shouting discouragement his way, whether it’s the boss breathing down his neck, an annoying coworker, a job that seems out of reach, bills that seem insurmountable, or his own insecurities that he just can’t do the anything good enough. As provider and head of the household, that’s a huge weight to bear. Remember, his job is to love you as Christ loved the church-- and gave His life for her. Quite a charge if you ask me. We have it easy compared to that! Thankfully, God has equipped them for the job. They need your respect and your support. The heart of your husband will trust in you as you respect him as a wife. Sean and I have seen that firsthand. I must admit…it’s very easy to respect and submit to a man who loves God so sincerely, who I KNOW has a very real, intimate relationship with Christ, seeks His will DAILY, and who loves me so faithfully and unconditionally. He’s not perfect, but I know him so well and he dedicates his life so genuinely to Jesus that it’s very easy to respect him and want to honor him. When you seek to do things God’s way, you’ll find the greatest blessings.

A key verse given to us when we married was Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL (my caps) your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.” In a world where divorce is the easy way out and words can fly off our tongues so carelessly, trust and honor God. Lean on Him in all things….especially your marriage. See what He can do with two very weak messed up people who simply ask Him to do something miraculous in and through them and want to be used by God. We’ve not “arrived” yet and some days we get off course and the end seems to be so very far away. However, it’s exciting to be where we are as a couple after 20 yrs, and see all the things our faithful God has done, knowing there’s always better to come! Hope. Jesus came to earth to give us that, and I’m thankful that today, over 2000 years later, we still have that promise fulfilled.

Hasta la vista, chicas. This gal’s gotta pack for Mexico now. :)